1. Viva-Moz's Morrissey Sweater. $80. It may be 100 degrees out, but fits of self-hatred always scream sweater weather, which is also perfect for those "I'll never be pretty enough/good enough/thin enough/look human" moments.
2. Cast of Vices gold hospital bracelet. $187. It has a bit of a Sylvia Plath elegance, a life gave me everything but I'll always feel cursed appeal.
3. Cultivate a small obscure library of first-edition books that may assist better than tears in keeping people away. I recommend anything by Dr. Murray Banks. Available on Amazon for $6.99.
4. Bedazzled 'Cat Lover' Necklace by Richard Simmons. Made by Richard Simmons. Glorifies a life spent alone with my cats. Available through home shopping stations.
5. For the home, a collection of prints of Francesca Woodman's photography could be a great touch. Most are portraits of the artist herself being covered by wallpaper and fading away into the background.
6. Google 'cats in clothes.' For years, I have dreamed of being a fashion designer. Unfortunately, my bouts of energy are short-lived until couch-time, binge-eating, and incomprehensible Twitter posts return again. For cat clothing, you only need to make one item, and the scale is much smaller. Best of all, it brings joy into so many lives, and perhaps, you, too, can find joy in the temporary Instagram fame you achieve.
7. Why keep all the anger for yourself? With all this time alone at home, perhaps you might enjoy underappreciated joy of e-mail rants to corporate giants. I suggest beginning with the smug Green Giant frozen vegetable company. Their launch of 'Just for One' entree brings an unwelcome loneliness to an increasingly acceptable state of living. In fact, The New Yorker gave a great amount of attention to the exponential rise (now approximately 1/4th of the population) of one-person households. It is YOU, family-sized bag, that really suffers. England's Daily Mail surveyed couples and found that six out of every ten couples are unsatisfied and unhappy in their relationships. Instead of pointing to my possible commit issues with the snarky 'Just for One,' perhaps wiser would be 'Family Size - I'm sorry you're stuck.'
8. Depression was once described as anger turned inwards. Combine the fact that you are self-destructive with the fact that you don't deserve to be happy. You end with SCOTCH IN A CAN. It is terrible, cheap and strong. You will get uncomfortably drunk, and it will most likely hurt like you believe you deserve. However, in the mean while, you will save money, and perhaps hate this beverage so much that you believe you deserve something great.
9. Oklahoma's serotonin-deprived always have the unwelcome advice of family: come to Jesus. While religion may provide hope in many ways, reaching out beyond the Methodism can also assist in stepping back from the pain into a mix of anger, moral and intellectual superiority and confusion. I suggest beginning with
www.jonasclark.com.
10. Begin to enjoy life through OKCupid. Find new ways to make dates uncomfortable. Personal favorite was setting 2 alarms on my phone, one to occur 1 hour into the date and the other at 1 hour 15 minutes into the date. The first will be your birth control alarm; the second, the anti-depressant alarm. Or looking for my wallet, and removing the 16 oz. can of Bear Repellant Spray from my purse first. If the results from OKCupid are not quite for you, don't feel limited to traditional sites. Gluten-Free Singles, Pounced.com for furries, or Republicanpassions.com.
