Christmas-Mother-Identity vs. Me

Christmas is just a few days away now. Ice is covering the branches. My kitchen is full of flour, chocolate chips, and vanilla, and the dining room has become a Santa workspace for wrapping and homemade decorations. My mother gifted me a collection of 175+ nutcrackers for our holiday theme this season, which out of guilt and a dash of resentment have been scattered around the house already. Our tree is up and decorated, however because of an overly thirsty puppy, it is already dying.

All of this serves as a reminder: Christmas is not simply a festive, loving season, but also for many mothers, an exercise in attempting to be everything to everyone, usually at the same time.

Not gaining weight in order to still feel sexy. Not feeling too sexy in order to attract the gossip of family members. Finding the perfect gifts, so acquaintances feels as though I truly know them.

 Oh, and as a mother, I am given approximately three weeks to endow my son with a sense of tradition, a giving spirit and love of family. We read about Curious George and Elmo's Christmas adventures after baking cookies and peanut brittle to give to his nana and pops. I even wake up at 3 am with new ideas for the perfect stocking stuffers. I don't think I ever sent Christmas cards until I had my son, now the cards come with photos and miniature scrapbooks. I have a daunting Pintrest list of crafts I should be doing (from creating our own signature hot cocoa mix complete with handcrafted labels to saving toilet paper rolls to create Santa and reindeer ornaments).  I like to believe I generally a good mom, but around Christmas, I turn into a checklist of Martha Stewart qualities.

Then... yesterday, an odd moment forced me to rethink Christmas-mother-identity vs. me.

 I received a Christmas card from Lelo, a vibrator company. Without thinking, I set it in our Christmas card wreath, an elaborate display of holiday self-importance, like a visual list of how many people think of us. I stopped to wonder, should I keep the vibrator card in with all the other family cards? Will this one day haunt my son? No, I don't think he notices but, still... In all my efforts to be the perfect mom for the holidays, I don't want to deny that a sensual self co-exists within the warm innocence I create for my child.

When I was pregnant and ordering 'virgin' drinks, I learned to embrace the sardonic eye roll, however now, I attempt to segregate the sensual self responsible for making me a parent in the first place. I am not suggesting I engage my 4 year old in spirited discussions about the use of contraceptives, but perhaps this year my Christmas gift to myself will be to embrace this particular contradiction in the same way I embrace all the rest of them, imperfectly.

Merry Christmas from The Ruff Life!